Hello, My Friend, Goodbye…
To the one I offended — I sincerely apologize. Never once in my real or virtual lives have I set out to hurt or offend anyone. On the rare occasions in my life when I have inadvertently done or said something untoward that did offend or hurt someone else, I felt miserable. I feel that now. I am sorry you were hurt. You may not feel or understand it yet, but you have chosen to lose a good friend. We both have lost. I am still here if you choose to return. If you opt to not come back, that is your prerogative, that is your right, and that is OK. We both were complete before meeting. We are both complete still. And I will miss you. Goodbye and best wishes, my friend…
Recently a well known and highly respected fellow blogger took me to task (privately by email) for use of some words that he/she found abhorrent in one of my posts. Being quite taken back with this seeming out of character attack, I muttered my way through a reply. While I did not apologize for my language, I did admit the possibility that that particular piece was poorly conceived and written. How many times have all of us had a hasty knee jerk reaction and zapped out a posting without enough careful and thoughtful consideration. In no way do I intend that as a defense, but more as an observation and an admonition that we all should be more caring and considerate at times.
The words in question represented a small insignificant part of the article and were only tangential to the subject and issue of the post. Despite my pointing that out, along with the fact that the words had been lifted completely out of context and given a life of their own by the reader, she/he grew more and more belligerent, ending with barbs of racism and an accusation that I was engaging in racial politics, whatever that is. No, it was not me or my post that was about race. That the reader took it there is regrettable.
It would be quite easy for some people to judge me by the fact that I am a Southern white male, concluding that I therefore must be a racist. Unfortunately I have no argument — nothing that I can say to prove them wrong. Except a lifetime of living colorblind. Plus the best and most rewarding years of my adult life spent as an activist, working for improving opportunities for minorities and women — on a national scale. I was not totally prepared for the ridicule, the racial epithets, the hatred — but I somehow endured. Standing beside and working with and for my brothers and sisters whose skin was a different color gave me strength. They knew how to deal with it — they had a lot of practice.
Yes, you can label me racist if you wish, and in some way you will be right. So are we all, at one time or another, in some small way. Racism and the elitism of heritage are not the exclusive property of white anglo-saxon protestant males. Let’s have a vibrant discussion on this another time. But if you’re going to start slinging accusations of racism, it’s probably best to know a bit more about the subject. And be forewarned that I will not stick around for that conversation because I’ve seen and heard it too many times — it is always a lose-lose situation.
Those who read my drivel on a regular basis know that I use humorous sarcasm, gross understatement and overstatement, playful jocularity, occasionally some off-beat or “down home” humor, in my attempt to craft something that will hold your attention for up to maybe 10 seconds, something witty but with a point, occasionally deep but never drowning. My better posts, based on my feelings combined with reader feedback, are those that report and comment on ordinary, everyday things in my surroundings, which include the people of Planet Blog, their thoughts and feelings as expressed in their posts and comments. The post that offended was such an effort.
Most writers and bloggers are clever with words. I have even noted a few who are quick of mind. So most of us can lift a word or phrase out of someone elses writing, torture it to hell and back, and then throw it back at the source with screams that it is defective. Not the best of etiquette, on blog or off. Personal attacks are pointless and out of place here. Let’s not do that. Blogging may become more important as a journalistic vox populi, but let us never take ourselves too seriously. Let’s enjoy each other and what we individually and collectively do here.
Even though we shared months of friendly banter through blogs and email, even though we had become good virtual world friends, my friend has apparently chosen to close the issue by dumping my site from his/her blogroll and sever relations. I can live with that. This unfortunate episode has taught me that on-line virtual relationships are every bit as fragile as their real world counterparts. Some people have thicker skin than others, some are not always what they first seem to be, some take themselves and the world around them far too seriously to ever really enjoy it for long periods of time, some have opinions and feelings that are oh so fragile and volatile. Another self-admonition: where do I fall on the various spectra of blog conduct and personna, and what can I do to improve.
To the one I offended — I sincerely apologize. Never once in my real or virtual lives have I set out to hurt or offend anyone. On the rare occasions in my life when I have inadvertently done or said something untoward that did offend or hurt someone else, I felt miserable. I feel that now. I am sorry you were hurt. You may not feel or understand it yet, but you have chosen to lose a good friend. We both have lost. I am still here if you choose to return. If you opt to not come back, that is your prerogative, that is your right, and that is OK. We both were complete before meeting. We are both complete still. And I will miss you. Goodbye and best wishes, my friend…
12 Comments so far
You know, we can’t be responsible for how other people hear or see us…it’s their choice. We all bring mountains of baggage with us from other relationships/hurts/lessons that we project and transfer on to those in the present. Your apology is very tender and heartfelt but I wonder if you are doing yourself a disservice by taking so much on yourself? The other party needs to consider their part in this too…
Lord, I shudder to think what folks can make of some of the stuff I write on my blog. But you know what? I don’t write the blog for anyone but me, as a way to flush my brain into cyberspace. I appreciate mild, lighthearted disagreement (dog people vs. cat people, for example) and other points of view, but I don’t take the thing seriously enough to wage war or anything.
Can you give us a hint as to which post it was that caused such a response? Guess not, since that would give away the unhapper reader’s identity.
In my book, you’ve proven yourself to be a thoughtful, right-thinking (left-thinking?) person. And though we have some disagreements that are only natural between a Big Orange fan and a Crimson Tide fan, I can live with your blinders.
So a big raspberry to the offended party. I agree with That Girl - you’re taking too much on yourself with this one. Blog away, my friend!
Speaking as someone who’s been as offensive as the worst on occasion, I can only remind you that we don’t control the reactions of others. They react how they will, based on their life experiences. Sometimes those experiences shape those we meet in inexplicable ways. I still remember “women’s liberation” - yeah I know, way back in the day. I once opened a door for a woman at a public venue and got slapped and called a male chauvinist pig for what, to me, was merely habit and good manners.
For the most part, reactions like you describe can only be treated like water rolling of a ducks back. You’ve, as usual, shown a bit of class under pressure. None of us can do any more than that my friend.
I’m surprised that you, of all people, should be under attack. You don’t pull punches (which I like), but you’re about as balanced and full of healthy perspective as I’ve read (which I love). No second-guessing allowed because of a negative experience, y’hear!?
I can’t imagine what could have gone so wrong Winston. Anyone who reads your stuff knows just what you’re about; and I can’t imagine it warranting such a harsh response. I hope you put it behind you….sounds like you have. This was a wonderful post.
A Southern gentle(gentle)man seems a fair and definitive trait for you, Winston, even if you do add the touch of “no punches” and “humorous sarcasm” mentioned here by others and yourself. I’ll add my “second” (third, fourth, whatever…) to the notion that you take too much of this matter on yourself. A similar experience (with the same “well known” blogger?) about four months ago came to equally nasty ends for me - well, not equally… it sounds like you took a gut punch. I felt bad; I do that, too, but I confess that I resisted the urge to offer an apology. … too much (or just enough) of the Irish in me to do that! For my part, I offer an alternative response to your situation more along the lines of elbowing you to the sidelines, standing in on your behalf, and spitting out a bit of “bring it on” and a little “you want a piece of this?!” I see the situation a bit differently.
If you’re going to write a high-profile blog, if you’re going to market yourself on the frontline of identity and cause, and (maybe most importantly) if you’re going to “dish it out” in commentary and critique, the implied message is that you’re open to the conversation you’re inviting in return. The conversation is the point of contact for the community into which we believe ourselves welcomed to participate. We come together to know more (about ourselves, our worlds, each other), not necessarily to agree about everything. Calling “my blog - my rules” in the face of disagreement and doing so out of view of all others is to operate by a set of rules most want to presume are not in play.
You don’t owe an apology here, so pardon me for this boldnes, Winston, but I think you should take it back … and I know myself entirely free to say so because I know you won’t.
Just keep being nice, dear friend, but know that if you need a feisty woman to take a “center” on this fight, you only have to step to the side. I’ve gotcha covered, and it sounds like I wouldn’t be alone. -mg
Wow, Winston. That was handled with a great deal of grace and maturity. I, on the other hand, would have been tempted to throw in a fart joke.
I like your thoughts on blogging etiquette and the fragility of ‘virtual’ relationships. The excessive ‘insulation’ inherent to conversations can make them entirely too surreal - not to mention rude and inflammatory. Seems like you’re handling this whole thing with considerable grace. Blog on!
I’m sorry that happened to you and have been the recipient of a few people who chose to take something I said in a way I never intended. As was said well by the writers above, you cannot control the reaction of others. Possibly they are going through some other stuff that led to their taking what you said as they did.
I’ve come to believe we are who we are and can’t please everyone. Sometimes someone comes into our life who walks out. It’s just part of living. I can’t imagine you saying anything that would be taken to be bigotry by anyone unless something else was going wrong in their life and you were just the unfortunate recipient of their pain.
A very graceful apology Winston, well said!
OFF TOPIC: I’ve just tagged you this morning to follow the gang-of-four meme please
Stu
My intent in posting this was to offer a sincere apology without naming or implicating the other party, with some slim hope that they would see it and come around, meeting me halfway as it were. Never did I expect there to be such an outpouring of positive, supportive comments. This cozy little spot we call Planet Blog is filled with good, caring, wonderful people. Thank you all so much for your kind, heartfelt comments. You didn’t have to say anything at all, and I understand that.
Yes, Joy, it is behind me now. I will be outta here with AJ’s words: “Blog On!”
Well said W, your apology is heartfelt and generous. It is sad that the Blogger cannot reach out halfway to meet you.
I agree with all of the comments here, especially That Girl, her words ring true; and Mary Godwin, you take too much on yourself.
Currently experiencing a similar situation off the Blog O’Sphere, in what’s known as “real life”. Feels pretty surreal to me. So reading your post and the comments, helped me to get some balance on my own situation. Thank you. Blog on……