Peter’s Lament…
Peter (the other) has a way of saying things, a way of stringing together words and phrases, that makes me think… ponder… meditate… ruminate. Peter recently trekked to Paris on a mission of laying claim and money on his home away from his California home. His post describing the uneasy days leading to the final closing of the deal contained this paragraph:
A beautiful young woman (40?), who spent eight years living and sailing in the French West Indies, could have really caught my eye, but she carried an air of someone adrift, anchored only by her need to care for her beautiful eight year old son. I have a fear of neediness (and I do not know whether I actually perceive it in someone, or project it on them) that I need to look at. (Emphasis added)
Peter has the courage, openness, and confidence to perform the open-brain self-surgery of self analysis and confession, as demonstrated in the emboldened last sentence of the above quote. While this is not the first time I have observed this admirable trait in Peter, it is the first time that the thought of it has stayed with me, causing me on several occasions to go hmmmm…
Neediness, as feared by Peter in this case, might be taken a couple of different ways. He could be referring to the woman’s need to care for her daughter as being an impediment to a meaningful relationship with him. Or he may be projecting that a mother with child could become too quickly dependent on him if a relationship ignited, based on his perception of her need for someone to watch over her and her daughter. There may be other interpretations, and only Peter knows what he meant. I am not requesting Peter’s explanation since that would be an intrusion, and besides, it is really none of my or our damn business. I am only throwing out some possible explanations, both of which I have seen myself, in order to generate some discussion here.
Self-sufficiency is one of the most important attributes a person can have, and one that I admit I look for early on in any new relationship. No one of us is an island, entire of itself, but for me it is a most admirable trait for a person to at least try and fail before seeking help and support. It is through failure that we learn and grow. When someone is truly needy, I tend to be quickly over-generous. But my patience gets thin very quickly when confronted with people who have not and will not try to help themselves.
In my way of thinking, what Peter describes as neediness is the flip-side of what I call self-sufficiency. Now I am wondering if when Peter says he fears, is it really a phobia, or more aligned with my feelings of dislike? Regardless of the motivating force — fear or dislike – the resulting reaction is most likely the same: avoidance.
Reactions? Opinions? Discussion? What say ye?
16 Comments so far
My wife and I have discussed the aspect of ‘need’ in our relationship. After a long and happy marriage, do we ‘need’ each other? I used to say ‘yes’. It felt that way to me. But in discussing it and trying to be more precise about what I feel, I realize we both love each other and WANT to be together. We have no doubt of that. But do I need her? I think not. That would imply that somehow I would not be an adequate, functioning human without here. Okay, I might not function so well..LOL…but I would go on. And so would she.
Perhaps all this is semantic game-playing or splitting hairs. But I do think in our society we use ‘need’ in so many cases when ‘want’ is really what we mean.
Not sure this relates to your friend Peter’s situation, but at least it relates to the general theme of ‘need’.
Interesting. I was actually going to comment on this when I thought to myself: “Your fourth divorce is pending. Shut up and sit down!”
AQ: Then you are imminently qualified to comment on the subject of need. I have survived 3 divorces and am in 4th marriage myself.
When I first met my present (and hopefully my last) partner, I was a single mom on welfare and food stamps. I was trapped in a situation for which there seemed to be no way out, until I met Michael. Ours is a long story, but suffice it to say that he took me in (my daughter chose not to move to California with me, but was invited) and gave me a home, and a new start. I was the definition of needy back then.
Today, I still need him in the ssnse that I have no income of my own and, because of my many handicaps, don’t see that changing. About the best I can hope for is for us to get married eventually, which will enable me to eke out an existence on his social security after he’s gone. But as far as emotional need…yes, I have gained insights from being with him, but I would manage, emotionally at least, if he and I were no longer together. I know this will probably occur, since he is hopelessly addicted to nicotine, and is also 9 years my senior, so I’ve worked on preparing myself for the inevitable.
I used to think I had to have someone in my life all the time, just like my ex-father-in-law; one of his wives would be dying and he’d have another one waiting to take her place. I’m not that desperate. I suppose the fact that I have Asperger’s has something to do with it; we’re quite happy to be with ourselves.
I certainly didn’t intend to blog in your space, Winston; I guess this topic just pushed one of my buttons and I felt it deserved more than a sentence or two.
Teressa raises an interesting point: some among us have genuine needs that are very real, even in terms of survival. Those who fulfill or take care of those needs are often those who also have needs themselves. Those become symbiotic relationships, with each one nurturing the others needs. Nothing wrong with that, though if taken to an extreme, an un-healthy co-dependency can evolve. It sounds as if Teressa and Michael have worked out an arrangement satisfactory to both, each filling some of the other’s needs. That is good… You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours…
This has definitely started my inner wheels to spinning. I can feel a blog post being formed as I write this.
Over the years my husband and I established a very comfortable “give and take” relationship. We knew enough about one another to get the best out of our relationship….without really feeling dependent on one another. Good thing too…because when Joel died in Nov. 2005, for the first time in my whole adult life, I had to step up and make ALL the decisions on my behalf. If there was one thing that we always counted on from one another…it was to be available to talk things out. Toward the end of his life Joel didn’t even want to do much of that, so in a sense he prepared me for what was coming ahead. I learned long ago…it’s never good to be too needy…or too needed. I’ve found strength in knowing that.
Y’all are making me think, as well. I think I have evolved from being a “needy” person to a more stable person. I think a lot of that is just the Lord maturing me…
But, I’m still thinking. More later.
In Germany we have the expression ‘Efeu’ which literally means ‘clinging ivy’ but has come to mean (fear of) someone who holds on too tightly.
FWIW,
Stu
AQ and Winston,
I am in my fourth marriage too. Like AQ, I haven’t a clue how to even wrap my thoughts around this need, want, dependence, co-dependence, interdependence stuff! Nowadays I just go one day at a time and am ecstatic when I feel joy!
Ah, self-reliance. Other people’s need. All that stuff.
I must have worthwhile thought about this. Well, no, I don’t, so I’ll steal one.
In one of her childhood movies Shirley Temple said: “I’m very self reliant.”
45 years ago I married a detail oriented, legally trained planner. I was a creative adventure seeker. He taught me and I educated him more often than not. Now he has Parkinson’s and dementia. His need is absolute, I try hiring help to give myself some freedom, but help is inconsistent, and I am ultimately the caretaker. This was not a choice, but another of the phases and stages of life. I could choose not to accept the role, but that is not what our marriage has been about. I have the responsibility and pleasure of making all the decisions now.
I have a 35 year old daughter, unmarried and fairly successful at making her own living and managing her own life. She tells me our situations are more or less similar. She just doesn’t have the needy one to care for. Is it possible that her generation is more “afraid” of the failure (or responsibility) of marriage than my generation ever thought about?
Bonnie,
You have just described another very real and genuine need, one that affects most of us at one time or another. I so deeply respect and admire those, like you, who rise to the responsibility without question. In a recent AARP Bulletin I read a quote from Rosalynn Carter:
There are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers; those who are currently caregivers; those who will be caregivers; those who will need caregivers.
I can’t offer a meaningful response to your final question, but my feeling is that our kids are not afraid of the failure of marriage so much, but they have so many more doors open, so many more opportunities than we did, and are gratified by so many other things, that many of them do not have as strong of a need for the marriage bond as we did/do. Growing up in the 40s and 50s, there was no real alternative, either in reality or in expectation.
That’s a wonderful quote from Mrs. Carter. It reminds me of a man who coached basketball to kids in wheel chairs. He said they referred to the rest of us as TABs, “Temporarily Able Bodied.”
…. dude, you are way too smart to have a blog……
That was a thoughtful post.
Looks like I’m commenting from the other side of the fence.
*wry grin*
Going on 35 and never been married. Perhaps TOO independent.