Donuts, Dammit, More Donuts…
The second third worst thing about an annual physical exam is the fasting overnight with nothing to eat or drink before you stumble into the lab to make a major donation of blood and urine. I just got out of the clinic and am heading for the closest donut shop or Waffle House, whichever comes first.
Doc Sam shook his head disapprovingly when he could find nothing wrong with me, and muttered something to the effect that I might live another year. Medical school and years of practice, practice, practice have not equipped him to understand how a 60-some year old man in as bad a shape as I am in can have nothing wrong with him. Nothing findable at least. I get the feeling he would like to do a full body cadaver slicing on me to try to find something buried deep inside that he could point to and scream in glee, “Aha!”
The first-worst thing is the gloved and jellied finger up the butt. I swear this gives doctors some low-level perverted pleasure. But Doc Sam seemed defeated when he said, “Hmmm … prostate feels fine.” Last year he said I had the prostate of a 27 year old. Hmmm… I’ve gone from 27 year old to fine in 12 short months. Does this signal a decline?
The second worst thing is when he grabs me by the family jewels and matter of factly says, “Turn your head and cough.” Damn, right I’ll cough. And if you squeeze the toys one more time, I’m gonna have to whap you upside the head, Doc.
OK, the blood letting and peeing in a bottle are over, got the KY cleaned off me arse, and my coughing spell has subsided. Now I’m off to find the donuts…
8 Comments so far
Donuts! Attaboy!
Five Things I Don’t Want To Hear From My Proctologist:
http://goinglikesixty.com/2007/10/26/friday-five-things-i-never-want-to-hear-from-my-protologist/
Pah! You should be a woman if you want to know about having things poked, prodded and inserted.
Hope you enjoyed the donuts!
“…grab the toys…” I love this line. …funny story, Winston. -mg
Liz, you forgot to mention squeezed and mangled.
As soon as a patient reaches 50 it seems the docs start counting down our days. And, yes, they do seem almost disappointed when we stay healthy… especially if we continue to do unhealthy things like eat donuts or smoke. sheesh.
Sometimes it takes A LOT of doughnuts after one of those visits. I’m due for one of those intrusive procedures….trying to psyche myself up to make the call. Maybe I need doughnuts NOW…
the worse part about physicals is that they say they don’t do much good. We are the best judge of our own bodies and it’s what we feel, what we notice that has changed, that helps a doctor find that ’something.’ Other than the blood work and urine analysis, the rest really doesn’t tell them much but they sure charge plenty for it!
I’m waiting for my next physical and for the doctor to say take off your clothes, lay on the table..I wanna look up your va jay jay..chrispy creme donuts are the best thing ever invented by mankind..