nobody asked…

In the previous episode, extreme trepidation was evident as I prepared for a plunge into the dark side. This morning about half way through my second cup of coffee, a little voice spoke to me and said, Do it. Do it now. But I quickly told that noisy little bastard to leave me alone, that I was getting ready to do my WordPress upgrade. So with that and a small amount of last minute checking of the security net and bungee cord anchor points, away I go.

After free fall through what had to be six levels of perdition, I realized that Dante was nowhere to be seen, and nobody had a name-tag saying, Hello, My Name Is Lucifer. So I said, Screw this, I’m getting the hell out of here.

All my fears were for naught. Or perhaps it was the well wishes of commenters to the previous episode, those who enjoined the gods and ghods and The Force to be with me and watch over me. I thank you. Or perhaps it was the calming voice of experience, CGHill, who assured me nothing had gone wrong when he had taken the plunge. Or the wise counsel of Jean, who advised the age old technique of finger crossing for good luck. Believe me Jean, I had body parts crossed all over the place, including some that ain’t supposed to.

To make a short story quite long, the upgrade went without a hitch. I did not even have to find and restore my header graphic, theme modifications, etc. It all happened within a couple of minutes of hard work by the Dreamhost elves and so far it appears they got it right. If any of you stumble across anything needing attention, please let me know. Billy Gates and the Redmond Banditos should spend a couple of days learning from the WordPress and Dreamhost dudes. It is obvious that they care about the user and that they have the technical skills and knowledge to bring it off flawlessly. Thank you WordPress. Thank you Dreamhost. And thank all of you dear readers for giving me a reason to do this in the first place.

This site may soon go dark for a day or three. Or not. Since WordPress released the “latest and greatest” version 2.5 a couple of months ago, I have ignored it for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is my Oblomovian lassitude (follow link to my previous post if you have forgotten what that means or if you (…gasp…) never read it). Every time I open WordPress, it nags at me like an ex-wife, reminding me that my crusty olde version is unsafe, unstable, expired, moldy, dried out, lost its fizz, contaminated, and about to either implode or explode (they do not specify which). If it was so friggin’ terrible, why did they tout it the latest and greatest at the time of release? It’s been good to me and has not blown-up or kicked me in the arse.

On the slim chance that a couple of features have been added that within three days will have me wondering how I ever lived without them, I’m prepping to take the upgrade plunge. Dreamhost usually does an outstanding job of providing a “One-click Install” through their Control Panel, and I have never had any disasters. The hind-side of my brain is quite preoccupied with thoughts of the “proverbial first time.” At the very least, I will be required to add back the plug-ins and themes I want to be active, and perhaps some upgrading of some of those to their “latest and greatest” compatible versions.

The mission date has not been established and will depend on whether I can find something else to occupy my idle time. I do expect this will happen within the next week, probably when it is raining in the Nashville area so that I am stuck inside anyway. Emergency lights have been installed. High-powered handheld halogen beacons will be deployed around the perimeter for use by the curious among you who have the courage to venture forward for peeks into the dark chasm. My best bio-chem warfare suit has been cleaned and checked for moth holes. My newest assault weapon has been cleaned and calibrated and is fully loaded and charged for the dangerous mission ahead.

Your kind thoughts and well wishes are appreciated. If you are inclined to pray, this might be an appropriate time to do so. If by chance I do not return, it has been a nice run. I love you all — well, most of you — and appreciate your time and patronage in visiting, reading, and commenting on my murmurings. All I can hope for is that you will remember me with a slight smile and the thought that he was a pretty good guy.

Each of us blogs for our own reasons, which are as many and varied as we are. Some of us are relative newbies, having just gotten started in the past few months. Others are grizzled veterans, still remembering when blogs were etched in charcoal on dried papyrus and taken village to village by loin-clothed runners. And each of us has our own method and madness and style that, once settled upon, continues to grow and evolve as we do.

Much has been written by bloggers on why, how, when, and where we write. One benchmark piece that has withstood the test of time is Frank Paynter’s 2004 collection of opinions and ideas from three-dozen key-strokers on why they blog. In 2005, Frank followed up with a question answered by numerous folks on how they blog. Check out both of these resources — some good stuff there.

Also starting in 2005 and continuing into 2007, were Rebecca Blood’s interviews with more than a dozen notables in our corner of the happening universe. The series, titled Bloggers on Blogging, is a mother-lode of insightful commentary that is of interest to newbies and oldies alike. Incidentally, Rebecca Blood wrote the book — see The WEBLOG Handbook.

More recently, and the trigger for this post, is a piece by Maria Schneider on her Writers Digest blog, The Writer’s Perspective. While short of comprehensive, her list of 20 tips is an excellent starting place for a prospective blogger to learn, as well as an excellent refresher for the more experienced among us to reaffirm where and how we have chosen to deviate from logic and common sense.

On the subject of blogging, I could rattle on all day without saying anything of consequence. But rather than tire myself while boring you, I’ll just mention two quick items — one for the new or prospective blogger, one for the seasoned.

If you are new to blogging or just thinking about getting started, understand that there are some written and unwritten rules of conduct and etiquette. There is no enforcement group. The blog world is self-policing. You want readers and commenters? Then you play somewhat within the fuzzy boundaries of the rules. The best way to discover how to conduct yourself is to closely observe those you consider to be successful. There is no set way to blog. There is no right way or wrong way. Don’t be afraid of trying ideas. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. You will…

If you are among the veterans, the seasoned, even the ones who are beyond newbie but still not totally comfortable without the training wheels — three words. Pay It Forward. As an embryonic blogger, I was helped by a few folks who I came to respect, including the illustrious fp mentioned above. Frank may or not recognize anything in my work that was spawned by the wisdom he passed on to me. He may not wish to claim or be identified with it or me. But my interpretation of his advice is here, an integral part of the framework on which nobodyasked is stretched. I have tried to repay Frank by helping others thinking of jumping into the pool or already wet but not yet able to get a toehold on bottom. Pay It Forward…

Back on May 7, I mentioned that I would be doing some guest blogging over at Eric’s Straight White Guy place, and that I have done. I hope he is not too terribly disappointed in my offerings on his return from Scotland.

I just posted a new piece over there, titled as above. Y’all, dear readers, might get a laugh out of it (gawd knows we all need a reason to laugh these days…), but I don’t want to repeat the whole thing here …something about using up too many molecules of the internet… so get your butt and eyes over to Eric’s and read. If you like it, leave comments over there so Eric will think I done good…

Looking back through the last page or two, I see that I have made it appear as though my motives in writing were wholly public-spirited. I don’t want to leave that as the final impression. All writers are vain, selfish, and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives there lies a mystery. Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand. For all one knows that demon is simply the same instinct that makes a baby squall for attention. And yet it is also true that one can write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one’s own personality. Good prose is like a windowpane. I cannot say with certainty which of my motives are the strongest, but I know which of them deserve to be followed. And looking back through my work, I see that it is invariably where I lacked a political purpose that I wrote lifeless books and was betrayed into purple passages, sentences without meaning, decorative adjectives and humbug generally.

– by George Orwell, from his essay, Why I Write, 1946

Eric, the original Straight White Guy, and his lovely Missus are off on their annual trek to Scotland to pay homage to her homeland and make the yearly plea for her family to continue allowing him to claim kinship by marriage. I have been deeply honored and humbled by Eric asking me to be one of several journeymen who will ghost guest blog in his absence. I can vouch that all the others who will be keeping the SWG machinery oiled are certifiable, and most likely should be in restraints anytime they are off their medz. I, of course, was hand-picked by Eric to add a balance of reason, logic, and intellect… of course… ahmmm…

So if you have spare time on your hands or get too bored elsewhere, come on over to check out the droppings on Eric’s back deck…

[In yesterday's exciting opening act of this meme, we followed the request and instructions of Pagan Sphinx, who recruited me into participation in this important discussion. The opener included hair raising commentaries on my To Do list, and what I might do if I became a billionaire. If you have not had the pleasure of reading that first installment, it doesn't matter since it has nothing to do with today's conclusion, but you are certainly welcome to jump back, Jack, and read it prior, during, or after reading today's edition... ]

4. Three bad habits… are difficult to sift out of the many that I have. Hmmm… I guess number one would be eating patterns — no breakfast, lunch on the fly or not at all, gigantic dinner followed by too many late night snacks. Secondly, though I quit a while back, I am and will always be a smoker. Every hour, every day, I want a cigarette. It’s like being an alcoholic — there is no such thing as being over it. It’s forever just one hour, one day at a time. And in third place… I don’t know… I’m torn between picking my nose while driving and farting out loud when there’s nobody around.

5. Five places I’ve lived… if you call it living. Pittsburgh PA, Richmond IN, Meridian MS, Knoxville TN, NYC (briefly) and currently Franklin TN, which is suburban Nashville. That’s six and there are more, but this question is boring.

6. Five jobs I’ve had… ran the gamut from clerk in a department store, to pin setter in a bowling alley, engineer in a major industrial plant, middle-management position for a  Fortune 50 company, and currently business owner/entrepreneur. There are several more. Perhaps one of these days I’ll find something I can do…

Now here is where I balk. I played the game. I gave it my all. And I sincerely hope that Pagan is not too terribly embarrassed or disappointed. Or sorry that she picked me. But rather than tag folks and have them stalking me for all eternity with revenge in their hearts, I will leave it for you, dear readers, to honor Pagan with a visit to her blog . If you are among the first three to read these words (I can assure you that you are), then take it upon yourself to respond as if I had tagged you myownself. Honor system, now, boys and girls…

[Written in bits and pieces over the last week, which may explain any temporal juxtapositions that seem to lack harmonic continuum synchronization.]

Just as I was beginning to think I had safely hidden from all the remaining memes, here comes another one. It is not yet clear what I did to deserve this, but my new found friend, Pagan Sphinx (doncha just love that name), has whapped me upside the head with a tag. I s’pose she is working off her anger from being dragged into it herownself. Or maybe she was having a bad hair day. Or maybe I really did do something wrong that raised her ire — but I certainly don’t know what that might be. Whatever the case, I am but putty in her hands. So with that bullshit out of the way, here goes…

1. Ten years ago I was… several years younger than I am now.

2. Five things on today’s To Do list… will probably not get done. The list includes taking the dog out before I go to work, going to a customer’s site to investigate a problem that I already do not not know how to solve, returning to the office and installing hard drive upgrades in two notebook systems, call Roomie a couple of times to see if she’s OK (still recovering from hysterectomy 2-1/2 weeks ago), a visit to Waffle House and/or Donut Den, cursing spiraling gas prices and the beneficiaries of those excessive oil company profits (think Bush and Cheney for starters), and then in the afternoon I will…

3. Things I’d do if I were a billionaire… do not include working my ass off as I now do. Some things that first come to mind include paying off everything and telling all my creditors to go to hell, taking care of my extended family’s needs, including getting my Mom out of the nursing home and into a place of her own with full-time paid round the clock help. Significant donations to my alma maters, University of Tennessee and University of Pittsburgh, and setting up a major research foundation for stem cell research (go to hell, George W. Bush!). I think a new house on one level (bad knee) would be in order, something like the California contemporary that I designed and built several years ago, the one my ex stole from me. Whatever billions are left, I would turn over management of to my good friend and customer, who I believe to be one of the brightest financial advisors in the land. Then, I would have me some fun… maybe even buy that shetland pony that Santa never brought me…

… Join us again tomorrow, same time, same station, for Part Deux, the exciting conclusion of this mind expanding post …

Squint as you approach lest my brilliance blind thee…

You have known me as Winston, a simple man with simple tastes, a man humbled in the presence of his fellow men and women, a seeker and speaker of truth, a bland personna that was one with the Great Mass of Mediocrity and Confusion in which we all strive to immerse ourselves.

Well, no more, boys and girls of all genders, no more…

Through a special private invitation extended to everybody who ever heard of the internet, I have traveled to the sacred ground on which has been erected a really cool bar majestic temple that shall stand till the next gusty day comes along against all time as witness to the power and coolness of Dudeism. After completing a long and grueling study of several minutes under the tutelage of his Excellency, the Most High of the Mostly High, I was awarded this useless priceless Certificate of Ordination (Click the certificate to enhugen to boastful size), which will be either hanging in an appropriate frame here on the hallowed walls of BlogCentral, or folded to smallest possible size and carefully stored in a remote corner of the big pocket of my backpack where it will spend the rest of eternity along with a half pack of Rolaids, several crumpled business cards collected over the last decade from people I neither do or want to remember, a long ago used-up Bic lighter, and several Peanut M&Ms in assorted colors.

So, dudes (there are no genders here, no dudettes, only dudes — cool…), slip on your jesus sandals and something loose and comfortable, grab a brew, lay back lie back get horizontal in a hammock, and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Chill with your local Priest of Dudeism while we explore the unknowable mysteries of the known… Peace out…

Some time ago I discovered a weird word that I have been looking for an opportunity to write about. This little Cuss-O-Meter test gave me the perfect opportunity, so here goes…

Coprolalia is involuntary swearing or the involuntary utterance of obscene words or socially inappropriate and derogatory remarks. This uncontrolled, often obsessive use of obscene or scatological language, may accompany certain mental disorders, such as Tourette’s syndrome.

There’s another unusual word — scatological — which has to do with an obsession with excrement or excretory functions.

While coprolalia and scatology deal with serious mental and medical afflctions that should not be taken lightly, they also have a humorous underbelly, appearing on the surface to be just extreme examples of behavior that is part of our culture. Cursing is all around us — on the streets, in the workplace and schools, on TV and other media. There are probably studies backed by statistics and demographics and trends, but I am too damn lazy to go dig them out. Rather, I will share my opinions and feelings based on years of practice, experience, and observation.

Northerners cuss more than Southerners. Urban people use more profanity than rural folks. Males curse more than females. Golfers yell shit more often than do tennis players. The probability of a sideline coach disgustedly screaming fuck goes sky-high if a TV camera is locked onto them at close range. There is no discernable difference in quantity or quality of cursing among people of various religious affiliations and those who walk a more secular path. The very young don’t know to curse, the very old have learned that it doesn’t really help, but those in-between ride high on the bell-curve of cursing. Divorce causes a permanent, irreversible uptick in the use of blue colored language, and every subsequent thought of that bitch or son-of-a-bitch spikes the volume of cursing and blood pressure a little bit more.

I do not consider it inherently wrong to curse, and I make no moral judgements about those who do or those who don’t. One person’s curse word list will include some entries that others consider perfectly acceptable. Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words might be a lowest common denominator starting point for most of the population, but even a couple on that list have become more tolerated as their ubiquity has grown. In fact, I have used two of Carlin’s words in this post, but would not use a couple of the others anywhere other than in private conversation with someone I know well.

Like it or not, so called curse words are a legitimate and useful part of our language. Whether used to express mood, demonstrate or emphasize a point, or in complete jocularity, these colorful collections of alphabetic characters have been part of our language for hundreds of years, and are not likely to disappear anytime soon. Before we get our noses out of joint and become all incensed over someone’s use of a word that offends us, we should, as Carlin suggested, consider the thought and intent behind the word. There are no bad words, only bad thoughts and bad intentions. If you get pissed-off because I say shit, it is more of a reflection of your thoughts than of my morality.

[Cuss-O-Meter created by OnePlusYou]

[A wiggle-waggle of my damn Titans cap to Ginger, who has a sweet, clean mouth at 2.7%...]

My good friend, JohnB, over at Blog Meridian has divulged a trick of the trade guaranteed to send the traffic at any site right out the roof. According to JohnB, and he is never wrong, at least not that I’m aware of, all one has to do to achieve rock star status is to post this graphic image anywhere on the site. So here it is for all who will dare to come and feast their eyes upon it. I thank JohnB in advance for helping me realize my rightful place among the stellar celebrities of the blogosphere. As for the rest of you, it’s been real, but my true calling awaits as I say adieu to you traffic-bound gnarlies.

Oh, I think my text was also supposed to include a reference to MacGyver. Just to make sure, I’ll also liberally sprinkle MacGyver in the tags and hyperlink. And maybe a couple more in the text. Angus, me laddie, do your magic…

MacGyver.

MacGyver.

There, that should do it. Bye bye, suckers…

¿dn ǝpısuʍop ʇɐɥʇ sı ɹo ˙uʍop ǝpısdn ʇı ʎɐs ‘ʎɐs oʇ ƃuıɥʇou ǝʌɐɥ noʎ uǝɥʍ

[Tip of the chapeau to JR who found this elsewhere.]

… just because I have not deposited a wealth of wonderfully fascinating information here in four days … which must be a record lapse for me … and which was not planned … and will end soon … and to let my regular reader know that I have not left the planet … yet … but also to confirm that I am OK … to the extent that OK means anything this side of the crematorium … and to let you know that I have some really exciting space-filling show-stopping stuff coming … so just be patient and I’ll be back … promise …

Some of you have asked about the little captcha thingy I’ve been experimenting with. If you haven’t seen it, then you haven’t tried to leave a Comment. Shame on you, slovenly reader! Anyway, it is nothing more than an attempt to thwart some of the spambots that spew their filth and crud on any blog that will allow it. It is not the only defense I have here at nobody asked… but simply the newest addition to a growing arsenal.

Honestly, I don’t like having to wrestle with these things myself, especially the ones that Blogger uses… you know… the one with random letters in strange fonts you cannot read, and even if you can, it tells you you didn’t enter it correctly, and it takes 14 tries to finally get your comment accepted. I sincerely hope this little plug-in for WordPress does not cause that kind of problem. If you do have problems or comments or objections please leave a comment or drop me an email at winstonrand at bellsouth dot net. If it helps to keep the bots at bay, then perhaps it will be worth the effort. The alternative would be to turn off comments completely and that would destroy one entire side of our little communications loop. I have no intention of doing that unless those sonsofbitches get a helluva lot smarter.