nobody asked…

That subject line should increase traffic hereabouts. I’ll keep you posted. But the real reason for this post is to pass along a bit of vital information that I learned last week.

Like all of you, my email Inbox is rife with unwanted spam messages trying to interest me in everything from V1ag.r.a, spelled in a variety of creative ways, to mail order drugs from Guatemala at pennies on the dollar compared to US prescription costs, death benefit and burial insurance on my puppy, every kind of get rich scam you can think of, mortgage and debt consolidation, and of course, the gazillion different ways to grab my hard earned dollars for penis enhancement. [My mama-in-law has actually replied to some of those, to let those poor misinformed people know that she is a female and does not have a penis that needs enhancing. Heh…]

Also, like many of you, I take precautions to keep the buggers out of my Inbox, using a variety of filters at the mail server level and on computers running my favored mail client, Thunderbird. But those spam bastards are clever, always coming up with new ways to get through, by, under, over, or around any defenses put in their path. As if finding ever new ways to bug the living shit out of me will finally make me break down and click the link and reveal my credit card number to them so they can sign me up for the best opportunity in decades to grab some beach-front property on a little known but fast developing resort island in the Caribbean. As if… Right…

Occasionally one of those rogue messages does land in my Inbox where I can blow it away or dissect it to my heart’s content. I just love to see the little buggers squirm and squeal when scalpel is applied to their soft tissues. So last week I had retreived my mail and was scanning over it when this subject line caught my eye:

Average Gain is 302 Inches!!!

On closer examination… you guessed it… it turned out to be a penis enhancement scam. But 302 inches? That’s over 25 feet! I wonder if they supply a hose reel that straps around your waist…

6 comments

1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven’t tried before.
4. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
5. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
6. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
7. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
8. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
9. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
10. Junk is stuff you keep for years and throw away the week before you need it.
11. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
12. Blessed are they who laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

8 comments

Squint as you approach lest my brilliance blind thee…

You have known me as Winston, a simple man with simple tastes, a man humbled in the presence of his fellow men and women, a seeker and speaker of truth, a bland personna that was one with the Great Mass of Mediocrity and Confusion in which we all strive to immerse ourselves.

Well, no more, boys and girls of all genders, no more…

Through a special private invitation extended to everybody who ever heard of the internet, I have traveled to the sacred ground on which has been erected a really cool bar majestic temple that shall stand till the next gusty day comes along against all time as witness to the power and coolness of Dudeism. After completing a long and grueling study of several minutes under the tutelage of his Excellency, the Most High of the Mostly High, I was awarded this useless priceless Certificate of Ordination (Click the certificate to enhugen to boastful size), which will be either hanging in an appropriate frame here on the hallowed walls of BlogCentral, or folded to smallest possible size and carefully stored in a remote corner of the big pocket of my backpack where it will spend the rest of eternity along with a half pack of Rolaids, several crumpled business cards collected over the last decade from people I neither do or want to remember, a long ago used-up Bic lighter, and several Peanut M&Ms in assorted colors.

So, dudes (there are no genders here, no dudettes, only dudes — cool…), slip on your jesus sandals and something loose and comfortable, grab a brew, lay back lie back get horizontal in a hammock, and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Chill with your local Priest of Dudeism while we explore the unknowable mysteries of the known… Peace out…

8 comments

If memory serves, I have only posted one other joke in these annals since the beginning. But this one was so good I just couldn’t help myself — it just begged to be shared. If the story has a moral, it probably has several. Make up your own. For me, there is nothing that brings back my youth like sitting around a campfire, late at night, telling goat stories…

[Thanks and a nod of my camouflage hunting cap to my friend, Pita, who owns a larger joke collection than anyone else I know. Pita knows jokes. And she tells me I are one. Or, maybe she said I don’t know my ass goat from a hole in the ground… Whatever…]

6 comments

7 comments

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. — John Benfield

4 comments

Found over at John B.’s Blog Meridian, this is one of the most creatively humorous … or is that humorously creative? … works I’ve seen lately. John’s accompanying text includes a couple of other links including this one for a field guide to stray shopping carts. Good stuff here that is guaranteed to tic up the corners of your pie-hole.

This is precisely the kind of off-beat humor I needed this morning. I hope it does to you what it did to me.

6 comments

The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. – Arthur C. Clarke

14 comments

After reading my earlier post wherein I talked about cousins and geezers, my Welsh friend Liz sent this, saying that when she saw it she thought of me. I complained to Liz, letting her know that I am NOT slow. Nor do I use a cane. Yet.

In fact at the last geezer speed trials, I placed 37th out of a field of 85 entrants, earning the distinction of being classified high-normal, or slightly above normal, whatever the hell normal is defined to be at any given moment by any particular group.

With a hearty thank you to Liz, but with apologies to SLOW Geezers everywhere, this obviously contrived and staged photo is laugh-out-loud funny. If we’re allowed to live to that age, and still be in a vertical orientation, there we all go…

[A few folks out there who have lost their sense of humor and humanity will undoubtedly take offense at this, loudly decrying that this is somehow offensive to elders. Those are the same few folks who have lost touch with reality and object to everything that is not in sync with their narrowly channeled thinking. I do not apologize to them. My wish for them is that they get a life…before it is too late…]

3 comments

Understand the motivation of the liar and you will recognize and understand the lie.

3 comments

[Wave of the campaign collection plate to Crooks & Liars for bringing to us this nugget from the collection over at Mock, Paper, Scissors].

.

10 comments

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Sunrise this morning finds Nashville and most of the Middle Tennessee area beginning the slow and dangerous process of digging out from the worst blizzard in recent memory. The entire region was buried in as much as 1/4 inch of heavy, wet snow. Some outlying area reported accumulations as much as 1/2 inch. Temperatures are not helping the dangerous conditions as thermometers plunged below freezing, dipping as low as 29 degrees in some parts of the area.

This photo from The Tennessean is accompanied by a caption that a Wal-Mart customer gets excited about the snow as he pushes his cart in the parking lot at Wal-Mart in Cool Springs.

Not everyone will be so thrilled, as motorists’ usual morning routines of driving while talking on cell phones, drinking coffee and eating bagels, will be made dangerous by the extremely wet pavement. Backroads and lesser used routes may not be free of snow sludge until late morning when the current 35 reading is expected to top 40.

Many area schools will be closed today to keep the children safe from each other. It is normal practice to include a number of snow days in the school year calendar. This arcane practice has roots in the days before global warming, which, of course, does not exist because Bush said it doesn’t. Regardless, the school superintendents have the flexibility of those built-in snow days to use as they see fit, for inclement weather conditions, failed infrastructure in the schools (heating, A/C, plumbing, internet connections), or because they just need a day off to get away from the little bastards.

Please continue to monitor your source of local weather information for news of the next winter storm that we also did not know was coming. And, be safe out there…

15 comments

Heh… I saw this over at Dustbury and thought I would help Chaz get the word out…

One improvement would be a padded shoulder strap so you could just sling it up and keep your hands free for torturing other small domestic pests. And maybe a Velcro strap for lashing down the tail. Chaz pointed out that it may not work for ferrets. I would add the caveat to use extreme caution if trying to secure your pet python with the Cat Carrier — it probably ain’t gonna work — and the snake is gonna get mightily pissed.

9 comments

(Previously appeared as Up On The Rooftop… December 24, 2005 and 2006)

8 comments